Upon Further Review

You had me at Seacrest.

UPR Santa

Photo courtesy of


Aaaaaaaaaaaannnnd we’re back!

I’m a grown up… sort of. I know the Easter Bunny isn’t real. I know that my mom replaced my teeth with quarters. I even know that Santa is made up, because I’m pretty sure there’s no way he could get to all those houses on one night. It’s not possible, right?

But there I was on Saturday, like a kid on Christmas Eve, lying in my bed too happy to sleep. Sunday would have so many presents for me! Football was back, and as you know from last week, I love football. I was so excited. So excited for my team, the Bears. So excited for my fantasy team, Darth Van Kirk. So excited to watch some great football.

Sunday morning came and I began the tradition I repeat every Sunday throughout the season. My alarm goes off. I hit snooze. Then, I think about needing to switch my “Darth Van Kirk” defense and force myself awake. I then debate who I will see throughout the day and decide whether or not I’ll shower (I didn’t). I get my laptop and my Fatboy* chair and walk out of my apartment building.
* If you’re wondering, a Fatboy chair is essentially a fancy beanbag chair. Please note that “Fancy Beanbag Chair” is also a perfect summation of my life.

Once outside, I go across the street to my friend’s place and watch as much football as possible. Between bagels, a taco bar and multiple screens rotating between games and the Red Zone channel, how could I not be excited?

Then, the season started and everything changed. Game after game, teams were winning ugly.

• The Bengals pissed away timeouts and had penalties that moved the ball for the Bears and allowed them to win.

• The Jets had it handed to them by Lavonte David, then kicked a field goal they should’ve been out of range for and won.

• Tom Brady’s wideouts perfected the art of fingertip misses and still beat the Bills.

• Darius Reynaud started the season out for the Titans by volunteering a safety to the Steelers but still managed to win.

• The Jags accomplished the feat of not being shut out while scoring the least amount of points possible. Amazingly, they did this without using their offense or defense.

• The 49ers get an extra down from the refs.

• Giants = Six turnovers.

Don’t get me wrong, there were still some good games that came down to the wire. But in a week where every team is playing, a lot of games were hard to watch. Nonetheless, I loved spending the day with the NFL.

Here is what I took from the first Sunday of matchups.

• A Fatboy is the greatest sport watching investment you can make and they should advertise** on cover32; it’d be like fish in a bean bag barrel.

**They should also send me a free Fatboy chair.


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  1. Love your column, Dirk Van Kirk, and I love you on Sklarbro. Of course, the “Dirk” part of this was when Scott Aukerman gave you a hard time when he was a guest on the show. Great episode. Keep up the great work here and overall.