Michael Bennett signs with 49ers, defects to Russia, spits on baby

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In a stunning turn of events, Seattle Seahawks defensive end Michael Bennett has signed with an arch rival, betrayed his country, and assaulted a newborn child all in a matter of 24 hours.

Yesterday afternoon Adam Schefter reported on Twitter that Bennett would not re-sign with the Seahawks and instead would sign a life-time deal with the San Francisco 49ers, for only $5,000 annually even though he was offered a far more lucrative deal by Seattle’s general manager John Schneider. Asked about why he decided to sign with the Niners, Bennett reportedly replied “I just want to stick it to the fans in Seattle. I hate them so much.”

The surprising development was followed hours later by a news report that Bennett also has decided to renounce his citizenship of the United States of America and will become a member of the Russian Federation. CNN scored exclusive photos of Bennett dining with Russian President Vladimir Putin. The two were laughing, drinking vodka and eating caviar, and in one photo Bennett can clearly be seen wiping his mouth with the American flag.

When reached for comment, President Obama was despondent over the fact that Bennett chose the 49ers over his hometown Bears and Russia over his home country. “This is a sad day for America. I wish Michael Bennett would have played with his brother Martellus in Chicago. Now he must live with his decisions.”

After their dinner, Bennett and Putin hit the town in Seattle for a night of carousing. They drank heavily at several local bars but according to one bartender neither the Russian leader nor Bennett left a tip, even after ringing up a bill for hundreds of dollars.

Upon leaving one pub in downtown Seattle a single mother crossed paths with the drunken Bennett and Putin. The mother was a Seahawks fan and had not heard the news about Bennett’s defection. When she asked for an autograph Bennett reportedly told her no and then proceeded to spit on her baby. In an interview with KOMO news after the incident, the mother recounted the story and said when she asked Bennett why he was acting like this he told her “because I’m evil and evil feels so very good and also I hate babies and Seattle.” Bennett then pulled up his shirt and showed the mother a tattoo on his chest he’d gotten earlier in the evening of Jim Harbaugh drinking from a goblet filled with puppy blood. She left the scene screaming.

Obviously none of this happened. I had at first considered just leaving the story at that, but you can never trust some people to tell the difference between fact and fiction. When I posted an Onion article last week that said cancer was diagnosed with Skip Bayless one reader freaked out, having misread the headline and not read the article at all.

What actually happened yesterday is that Adam Schefter reported that Bennett has declined the Seahawks’ initial contract offer and has decided to test free agency. Starting on March 11, he will be free to negotiate with all 32 NFL teams and field offers.

But if you listened to half of the fans on Twitter you would get the impression that Bennett hates the city of Seattle and is determined to leave because he cares more about money than winning championships. This is idiotic. Bennett has stated on many occasions that he wants to be a Seahawk for life. Some things just don’t work out the way we want them too. Hopefully he will be back with the team next season and there’s still a good chance that will happen, but if the Seahawks and Bennett can’t come to an agreement then I’m sure he’ll be paid handsomely by another team to reward his talent and hard work over the last several years.

If Bennett goes somewhere else Seahawks fans should thank him for his time with the team and wish him well.

You know, like an adult.

  • scott

    This is a terrible article. I hope you are not paid to type this garbage. Try being a real reporter sometime. A lot of 12’s don’t even care about Bennett. You are making him out to be a much better player than he is. He’s good but so are other players out there. Please try not to be so condesending.

  • GK

    Tim Weaver… You’re a douche.

  • GK

    Good story.

  • PBizzel

    Tim,

    I won’t post this title on my website in fear that a riot may could start in downtown Seattle. Although, the defection concept may go over with NYC’s new mayor, Bill de Blasio.

    Go Hawks!

    • Tim Weaver

      I am kind of amazed at the # of people who read the headline and take it seriously. I’m glad I decided against the Crimea jokes.

  • Shupe

    This article is garbage. I cannot believe I even read it. Please, never, ever write anything ever again.

    • Tim Weaver

      That’s like saying this pizza is horrible. I can’t believe I ate the whole thing. Please don’t reproduce.

  • Raven

    Actually, pretty awesome. The Putin story line gave it away early, but Bennett would be a big loss for Seattle. I am a born and raised Chicago boy transplanted in Seattle for many years. If he doesn’t stay here I would be thrilled to see him in ChiTown. Any team he plays for will benefit.

    • Tim Weaver

      Thanks – I’m a Chicago product as well. Bears could definitely use him but hope he stays in Seattle. It wouldn’t be the end of the world but hurts if he goes to another NFC West team

  • S

    There is a lot of TRUE stories to report on. Why waste our time with this junk? I just wont come back on this site if it’s going to turn into garbage.

  • neil

    u cant be serious……..when I take 15mins out of my time to catch up on my favorite team news and I end up seeing this shit….I wonder who pays this peckerneck to write this shit! Why don’t u do us all a favor and quit wasting peoples time u piece of trash!

    • Tim Weaver

      I’d give you 15 minutes back Neil but I’m afraid you would use them to abuse Sudafed.

  • Jeremy

    Everyone needs to calm down and give Mr. Weaver a break. It’s called satire people. I am a die hard hawks fan, and hope we can keep Bennett, but I found the article hilarious. And Mr. Weaver I’m loving your responses to all these douche bag haters!

  • casey

    Tim you’re hilarious. You fooled me for a little while. GO SEAHAWKS

  • Aurora

    Fabulous read, the comments are a bonus.