Mayhem Monday: Bye Bye Byrdie


We here at cover32 Bills know that there is nothing worse than Monday’s so we want to break away from all the seriousness the beginning of the work week presents and try to lighten the mood a little bit. Our very own writer and artist Mike Guittar covers a weekly segment we call “Mayhem Monday” where he shares his vision on what Kiko Alonso’s diary looks like. If you missed last weeks Mayhem Monday then be sure to check it out HERE


Bye Bye Byrdie

I was woken up by a phone call. It was Russ Brandon, he said that he took my idea to not do the Toronto Series this season and that I was a better businessman than him. He said that since I was so good he wanted me and Nickell to go and try to convince Jairus Byrd to come back and play for Buffalo this season. I told him that it was a really far journey to get to his nest, but we would make the trip for him and hopefully get him back. Nickell was watching Ratatouillee, because he loves when the rats all run in different directions, so I had him pause it so I could explain that we needed to pack all of the Cadbury Eggs we had so we could eat them for energy. We ventured out and snuck into the sewer so we weren’t seen by Ed Hochuli who wanted to hang out. The guy just doesn’t take a hint. We fought off all of the fire breathing rats and we continued on. We took a wrong turn and ended up in a cave, where we ran into the Goonies who have been hanging out there since 1985.


Mikey told us that he was Rudy, and Rudy was very inspirational. Nickell noted that Rudy was 5’6”, 185 pounds and didn’t do much of anything at Notre Dame, and he is 5’7”, 165, started at USC and is now in the NFL, but no one seems to care. Mikey said that now he was Samwise Gamgee of the Shire, so we started to ignore him. Data, who is the most awesome because he was in the Goonies and in Indiana Jones, explained to us that they were about to decide to continue on or go up Troy’s bucket. I told them to continue on because of Chester Copperpot and Mikey started crying. We rode up the bucket and punched Troy in his face until he exploded. You don’t mess with people’s homes, especially in Astoria, Oregon, because Kindergarten Cop and The Goonies both take place there. We changed into our suits so we looked more like we were in  Pulp Fiction, and we went to the tree that Jairus Byrd lives in. We went up and Jairus was there, but it was not a good sight.


He explained that he wanted to go play for Cleveland because they have colors that are closer to real birds and he wanted to feel more at home. We couldn’t argue with his logic but we kept on him, because we follow the ABC’s of sales: Always Be Closing. He got very irate and started squawking at us, and Nickell grew upset and started reciting Ezekiel 25:17, because of the whole Pulp Fiction gimmick, and then Jairus Byrd flew away so we couldn’t talk to him anymore. We walked down and Aaron Williams told us that while we were only up there for 20 minutes there was a zombie apocalypse, the Bills gave him a contract extension and more than half the people were zombies. Nickell noted that he had been watching The Walking Dead, and explained that he would be best to take care of it because he knows the Thriller dance, and that if we started doing the dance the zombies would join in.


(The next paragraph contains adult situations*)

The dance went great, all the zombies joined in and we both noted how stupid Rick and Carl are for not doing this on the show. While the zombies were fully distracted we just went home. When we got home we found out that there wasn’t actually an apocalypse and that there was a cure, and it was good that we didn’t chop off any of their heads because those people can be saved. We then decided to get our taxes out of the way*. Nickell fell asleep first, so I fed the stingrays and went to bed. Sodapop Robelonso jumped up on the top bunk with me and snuggled up as we drifted to sleep. It is so refreshing to be a professional athlete, yet still live a normal life.


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