Could Brandon Spikes defeat 100 hobbits in a fight to the death?


Could Brandon Spikes survive a battle against 100 hobbits in a fight to the death? Before we can answer this question we have to first look at what exactly Spikes would be up against and examine what exactly these hobbits would bring to the battle field.

A hobbit, described by J.R.R. Tolkien himself is between two and four feet tall, the average height being three feet six inches and they are armed with with slings and throwing stones. Now seeing as there no available information online about how much hobbits weigh i referenced a ‘ideal height to weight’ calculator and found that the ideal weight for an average hobbit (3’6″) would be between 46.4 lbs – 62.7 lbs. I think it is quite obvious that not all 100 hobbit combatants in this scenario would be of ‘ideal weight’ so I think we could reasonably average the weight per hobbit at 70 lbs (that’s a lot of fat hobbits).

Now lets take a look at the man that could possibly be in for the fight of his life, Brandon Spikes in comparison is a staggering 6’2″ and weighs in at 255 lbs. That is more than what 5 smaller hobbits weigh combined and more than 4 average fat blubbery hobbits. The important thing to remember here is the fact that Brandon Spikes is an athletically gifted physical specimen, as where hobbits are not. Also Hobbits are mainly cheerful and happy folk until they are faced with adversity, and Brandon Spikes appears to be ready to rip someones arms off at any given moment.

Even though this is a completely ridiculous argument, I feel we need to look at things fairly from all angles as to who would be victorious in this battle. What kind of fight are we exactly talking about here? Bare knuckle brawl? Are weapons fair play? The results could dramatically change depending on the fight scenario, so lets go ahead and explore those possibilities.

Bare Knuckle Brawl 1 on 1:
The action from this matchup would be an absolute blood bath as we would see all 100 hobbits defeated in most likely under an hour. I don’t think I need to go into detail about the pile of maimed dead hobbit bodies that would quickly build up. The fight can be best compared to if Arnold Shwartznager walked into a middle school and started smashing faces in.

Winner: Brandon Spikes

Bare Knuckle Brawl 1 vs all 100 hobbits:

This scenario starts off with Brandon Spikes smashing several hobbit heads into the ground before the hobbits start climbing over one another and are able to leap directly onto Spikes shoulders and head. Spikes does quite well at throwing them off and slamming them head first into the ground, at first. After completely destroying roughly 40 hobbits Spikes cardio begins to catch up to him and he still has about 60 hobbits to go. As they relentlessly claw their way to his face and groin Spikes realizes that he needs to do something quick in order to survive and grabs a hobbit by its legs and swings him around violently in a helicopter motion and eventually creates a 4 ft clearance between him and the swarm of hobbits. Spikes then charges and tackles 5 hobbits simutaneously, leaps up and give a vicious stomp to each of  their heads quickly before darting off in the other direction to give another violent tackle to a group of 6 hobbits. Realizing he doesnt have time for the head stomps he jumps up and delivers devasting clotheslines to groups of 3 to 5 hobbits at a time. Soon all remaining hobbits are laying on the ground disorented and in tremendous pain, understanding that this is a fight to the death Spikes one by one lays earthquake punches to each hobbits face destroying them each with a single blow.

Winner: Brandon Spikes

Full War with Weapons and Armor:

(In this scenario we are allowing the hobbits to fully dress in armor which is what your average mid-evil times armor looks like, Brandon Spikes armor will of course be his Buffalo Bills uniform complete with pads and helmet. The hobbits are restricted to their slings and throwing stones as weapons and we will give Brandon Spikes brass knuckles on each hand.)

The hobbits stategy has changed considerably since being allowed weapons, knowing that their slings and stones are at a greater advantage at a distance they refrain from approaching Spikes and unleash a barrage of stones at him. Spikes is pelted at all angles with an insane amount of stones per second, with his pads and helmet absorbing the most critical blows he is unfazed until a stone flies through his facemask striking him directly in the mouth and knocking out several front teeth. In an absolute rage Spikes rushes in and closes in on the nearest group of hobbits and one by one with his brass knuckle laden fist smashes in their iron helmets, trapping their heads inside and creating massive brain hemorrhaging. One by one the hobbits go into violent seizures with their skulls trapped inside their own personal iron vice. After 30 hobbits get their heads completely caved in the rest of the hobbit army flees and never talks about the war of Brandon Spikes ever again.

Winner: Brandon Spikes

After closely examining these possible scenarios, hobbits don’t stand a chance against Brandon Spikes. The sheer power and athletic ability of Spikes would simply be too much for any swarm of hobbits to handle. There is no doubt that if Brandon Spikes lived in a hobbit village he would be the supreme ruler and no hobbit would dare cross his path or challenge him in any way. This of course is the complete opposite of what it would be like if Tom Brady lived in a hobbit village, as he would most likely be a sex slave to the hobbits.

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  • Mike Guittar

    Look at Frodo challenging him like he’s the toughest thing around