The Raiders haven’t had a winning season since 2002. Since that year, the team is an abysmal 53-123. The O.Co Coliseum is more worn down than the actual Coliseum in Rome, and sharing a stadium with the rival 49ers was recently proposed by Commissioner Roger Goodell as a legitimate option. But these are obvious reasons why it sometimes sucks being a Raiders fan. Here are some lesser known reasons only real fans can relate to.
OUR OWNER’S HAIRCUT IS ILLEGAL IN MOST OTHER STATES
Mark Davis, the son of the legendary villain of the NFL – Al Davis –chooses to keep his father’s fearsome legacy alive by sporting a downright offensive haircut. We’re not actually sure if he controls his hair or if it controls him. Seriously, it’s so hostile it could play defensive tackle for the team. The team needs money for a new stadium, but cheaping out on haircuts isn’t going to help. I honestly don’t know how you even ask for this haircut. “What I need is a creepy half-fringe, and I want it to fade downwards toward my ears. Think of a cross between Spock from Star Trek, Jim Carrey in Dumb & Dumber, and a murderer.
OUR BEST PLAYER IS A FULLBACK
Yes, Pro Bowler Marcel Reece, a man who embodies what it means to be a Raider, the face of our team, plays an outdated position that most other NFL teams no longer waste a roster spot on.
ROLANDO MCCLAIN IS CONSTANTLY IN THE NEWS WHICH MEANS WE HAVE TO REWATCH FOOTAGE OF HIM MISSING TACKLES IN A RAIDERS UNIFORM
Every time the Raiders 2010 first round pick, linebacker Rolando McClain, is arrested, cut, traded, signed or retires – which feels like a monthly occurrence – footage of him playing as a Raider is replayed over and over again to remind us of our drafting mistake. After his dismissal from the Raiders, McClain was signed by the Ravens, then retired, then announced a comeback, then retired again, then was traded to the Cowboys, all the while making headlines with his misdemeanors.
Every time McClain is in the news, us fans have to relive footage of missed tackles, penalties and that graphic that shows who we could’ve drafted with that pick, including Earl Thomas, Jason Pierre-Paul, Dez Bryant, and Rob Gronkowski amongst 239 other players. We could’ve drafted Tim Tebow’s crucifix with that pick and it would’ve been more beneficial for our team.
ICE CUBE’S RAIDERS THEME SONG IS LACED WITH TERRIBLE FOOTBALL STRATEGY
As part of a promotion with Pepsi, iconic N.W.A. rapper Ice Cube released a song about his beloved Oakland Raiders. This seemed like amazing news at the time, until we realized that Ice Cube knows very little about actual football. Listen to his offensive strategy, straight from the lyrics themselves:
“Touchdown, touchdown Let’s throw a bomb on first down Let’s throw a bomb on every down”
Every down? Are you nuts, Ice Cube? Who was your co-writer for this song, Tom Walsh? I understand if you’d like to see us stretch the defense with an occasional deep ball, but throwing a bomb on every down is pure insanity. Thank God you’re not the offensive coordinator, or worse, head coach.
“Coach Cube, there’s 1 second left. It’s 4th and goal from the 1 yard line. We just need a field goal to win the game.”
“Send our offense out there.”
“But Coach, with all those interceptions off deep balls, it’s a miracle we’re even in this game. We only need –”
“What’s our team philosophy?”
“But Coach I really think – ”
“Let’s throw a bomb on every down.”
“That’s right. Every down. Offense, let’s go deeeeeeeep!”
Check in on Thursday morning for the best things about being a Raiders fan.