Breaking: Six ‘real’ reasons why the Browns will beat the Jets

Oct 1, 2017; Cleveland, OH, USA; Cleveland Browns wide receiver Kasen Williams (82) pounds the ground after missing a touchdown catch during the second half against the Cincinnati Bengals at FirstEnergy Stadium. Mandatory Credit: Ken Blaze-USA TODAY Sports

The Browns are looking for their first win for the season on Sunday and after scouring through minutes of film and preparing half a page of analysis I offer the following tongue in check list of reasons why the Browns will easily beat the Jets and notch their first win for the season.

1. The Jets don’t like sleeping away from home

While the Jets sit on two wins for the season, both wins have come playing at home. Their two losses have come playing on the road. For that reason, it is clear that unless they are sleeping and eating at home then they refuse to play well. Facts.

2. Isaiah Crowell wants to appear on Dancing With The Stars.

This season has not started well for the Crow. After stating publicly, prior the season, that he wanted to get paid the scene was set for Crow to put his feet where his mouth was and dance his way to a one thousand yard season.

Unfortunately for him, Duuuuuuuuke Johnson has started the season better and the writing is on the wall for Crowell. The only way he will get paid is if he gets a second job. Dancing With The Starts pays well, and the money he can earn on the show is not included under the salary cap. Only problem is that Dancing With The Stars has a 800 yard minimum entry level for running backs that want to appear on the show. For that reason, and only that reason, look for Crowell to carry for over 100 yards for the first time this season.

3. Greg Williams is going to let Peppers and Kindred play on the same field as the rest of the team.

From the first game this season Defensive Co-ordinator Greg Williams has employed the bold strategy of playing both his safeties in the car park during each defensive series. While no team has been able to throw over their heads they also have not been anywhere near stopping the ball from being thrown short. An obvious issue when you aren’t in the same postcode of the ball.

Always the innovator, Williams will allow Peppers and Kindred to line up with the rest of the defense on the same field for the first time this season which will immediately lead to three interceptions.

While sad that they will no longer be able to enjoy the tailgate festivities of First Energy Stadium both players have stated that they are willing to do ‘whatever it takes to win’ and are confident hat by taking the field for the first time this year they will be able to impact the game.

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4. Myles Garrett is talking in code

A quick look at the social media of the number one draft pick will leave you in no doubt that he is leaving cryptic messages for fans. There are several indicators, however, the strongest pointer is that he is now speaking Spanish.

While Myles has been known to be somewhat of an enigma the speaking of Spanish can now be identified for what it is. It’s code. Clearly. Let me explain.

You see, Jets is Spanish for jettison, which is the Latin word for miss. If you use the literal Latin translation miss means bad shot. Because I like golf, when you hit a bad shot you yell ‘four’ which clearly means he will get four sacks.

5. Al Saunders had the whole receiver room receive manicures in an attempt to cure the dropsies.

The receivers of the browns have been terrible this season. They haven’t been able to catch a thing. While many people would automatically think they should head to the practice field and catch balls to improve technique they would be wrong.

The Browns will leave no stone unturned when it comes to trying to win and a recent British study into why their cricketers couldn’t catch identified the hands, more specifically, the cleanliness and softness of the hands as being the major factor affecting catch rate.

Based on that study all receivers, except Duuuuuuuke Johnson, have been ordered to undergo intensive manicures in order to soften their hands.

Johnson was not required to attend after his hands were surveyed for softness and he was well within the required benchmark.

Reports from the procedures suggest that Kenny Britt’s hands were so hardened that a specialist manicurist with experience softening stone was flown in from Budapest to assist. The Browns are confident that this process will work, however, both Britt and Ricardo Louis have been put on the hand transplant waiting list on Georgia as a back up plan.

The results have been immediate with zero passes being dropped in games since last week.

6. Hue Jackson can’t swim

And the final reason the Browns will win.

Asked last season what he would do if the team went 1 – 15 again this season Hue Jackson said he would go swimming in the lake. Since making that statement Jackson has attended swimming lessons in an attempt to hide the fact he can’t swim. This preparation has impacted coach Jackson’s schedule significantly, limiting the amount of time he has had to prepare his offense to play.

Understanding now that he got the swim to play calling balance wrong he has made the adjustment and will no longer attend swimming practice. Whatever it takes to win Hue.

The team has decided that losing Hue, to drowning, is not an option and have decided not to lose on Sunday. Many fans, however, suggest Hue is in over his head already and that it is all too late.

I guess we’ll see on Sunday.

So, that’s the reasons why the Browns will beat the Jets on Sunday. Each reason has been confirmed by at least no sources and can be relied upon for their accuracy. It’s a simple premise for the team this weekend. Win and win well and we can get on a roll.

Go Browns.

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